Reflections on Life

My uncle died recently. While we were not the closest, he was still an important family mentor, figure, and hero. It still gets me to think deeply about life. How are we living this one wild and precious life? What does it mean? How do we approach our everyday? We often get stuck in the routine of everyday not appreciating the miracle of the small moments in our lives that make it so amazing. I don’t know what it is about a death in the family or your network of friends, but it always draws out an enhanced awareness of life. Everything becomes more raw, more rich, more vivid. Sunrises, conversations with strangers, my toddler’s giggle, the way the light plays on trees. In addition a death is a division of relationship that wrenches the love and relationship with that person apart and completely changes how it continues. Existentialists may bemoan the finality of life at death, but there are countless stories of memories of the deceased that point to the fact that the relationship endures. The legacy and memory live on in poignant moments that buoy our grieving hearts. My esteemed colleague Kim Bateman, Phd and Dean of Students at Sierra College, tells of a wonderful tradition of singing over bones in a way that honors the legacy of our passed relations. As my cousins and I consider a fishing trip in honor of my uncle, I challenge you to remember those who have been influential and important in your life for better and worse, living and passed. Have you hugged them? Have you remembered them? Have you sung over bones? Have you listened to their updates? These connections enrich our lives and our relationships in a way that increase meaning and importance of others in our lives. It takes time; it sometimes takes work; it sometimes brings up baggage. Yet here's to living our lives and enriching our process through those we love and interact with. Especially through the mundane of everyday. Live out loud; live together; live in honor of those how have contributed to your process; live grateful for your wild and precious life. Cheers Uncle *. We love and miss you.

A reflection on turtles, bowls, and stones to inspire a sense of vibrant place, deep universal fulfillment, and symbolic directional meaning.

There are native tribes that have creation stories that involve a turtle. A bit of earth was brought up from the depths of the water on the back of the Turtle. This Turtle Island became the stage for all the various stories of spirit, animal, and human kind. The Iroquois extend this creation story to tell of Twins that were born to the Daughter of Sky woman and the West wind. The twins were associated with bounty and love and conflict and evil. And so goes the world influenced by the twins from creation. Today we often vacillate between expressions of good and evil in our own ways. Many religions teach us to avoid, purify ourselves of, and condemn conflict and evil, but what if we recognize that conflict and evil are essential parts of our existence?

When I guided in Virginia, we had a favorite pastime of saving box turtles from their treacherous journey across the winding back roads that cut through the Appalachian Mountains. Often we would stop and pick up the turtles that were slowly crawling to safety and freedom. We would transport them like gods to the other side and step back proud of our ability to help this one little turtle on its way. The good moments. Yet there were moments when we witnessed cars or trucks swerving to hit the turtles. When we drove up on turtles already crushed in the road. We had been too late. We had not been fast enough to save them from the mean people of the world. We were sad for the turtles. We were mad at the mean people. But this was human nature; people were just trying to have fun, relieve some stress, not paying attention, or get somewhere fast. The good mixed with the bad.

Another game we would play with the turtle was to put it on its back and see how fast it would be able to flip itself over. It never failed they always seemed to do it. They always struck me as such stubbornly inspirational animals, admittedly like most of the plant and animal world. So do we also have the capacity to right the wrongs...change the bad moments to good. Or is there something else entirely that we are missing in just being good. Do we gain something from facing our challenges and our difficult moments and stubbornly insisting on improvement, development, or progress?

There is a kabbalistic concept where the true nature of the universe is to fulfill our deepest desires. A symbol of this is a bowl that is empty. An empty bowl is not fulfilled, but it has the greatest potential to be so. The greatest good from the greatest bad? Even further as the bowl is filled, if the elements of the bowl are given away and shared, the fulfillment of the bowl never ends. When we gain loving consciousness of our human potential not just as empty bowls, but for our capacity for good and giving and sustenance, we are fulfilled. The challenge is making this a reality. The challenge is not following a false or fake idea, but one that resonates with the development of the self. What does it look like? How do we know what our desires are? How do we share them effectively? How do we become conscious and aware of our own fulfillment?

Often we need to empty our schedules, our commitments, our minds in order to be quiet enough to listen. Empty is often associated with not having, emotional overload, and lack, but perhaps that emptiness allows us to be aware of what we truly possess. Identifying the conflict and the lack leads to the desire to change and the drive to fulfill. I recently had a conversation with a parent whose child has a rare form of cancer. With the right treatment, everything should work out, but it is interesting to hear the process of a parent being so helpless, so empty of emotion from the immensity of the situation that they are left numb. It is in this emptiness that friends and family provide meals, and rides, and a ear, and hugs. The network of service is so overwhelming to those who have faced such tragic challenges as childhood cancer, yet they are buoyed by hope and support. Humans create amazing networks of compassion and empathy when they desire to do so.

So how do we navigate this dynamic modern life in a fulfilling way?  How do we acknowledge the conflict for what it is and seek progress and development? There is another Jungian psychological practice called a symbol stone. You reflect on a person, an idea, or conflict that you want to address in some way. The stone becomes a representative of that person, idea, or conflict. You can project and or think about your symbolic person, idea, or conflict as the stone so as to put the good, bad, draining or supporting energy into the stone and as an extension your symbolic representation. This practice can give us focus and guidance to connect to, engage with, challenge, wrestle, or be mindful of or with the symbolic element within the stone. It can help make real the universal love that is the wellspring of our being, the sharing with the person or idea, and the fulfillment of our emptiness in times of struggle.

Frank MacEowen discusses the eco-psychological Irish Spirit Wheel that provides an acknowledgement of the four directions (inherent in the Irish Cross) and the power of guidance it gives to us. Many cultures have very similar references to the cardinal directions, but have slightly different symbols or representative powers or energies. The Irish Spirit Wheel resonates with me as a way to help navigate the noise of modern life, the dynamics of society, and the challenges of self. To the east we have the energy of home and bounty and self-expression. I think about who are we and how are we comfortable. This gives us a vision to connecting to self, our home base. To the south is outside ourselves, society and nature, music and art, waterfalls and the expressions of the natural world. I think about what does the world have to say? How does this situation, idea, or conflict affect the earth, society, those around us? This gives us a vision to the social and environmental resonance of the world. How does it reflect the good and evil the conflict and the fulfillment? To the west is the spirit world. The Celts believed the gateway to the afterlife was in the west. So what spiritual awareness, teachings or stories resonate, are relevant, teach us something, provide a larger perspective, or even give us inspiration and empowerment to have hope, confidence, and faith to face the conflicts, challenges, and process? This gives a vision that our work is bigger than ourselves and even of this world. This also empowers us to connect to ancestor traditions, effort, and spirit as inspiration. To the north is the battle, the fight, and facing the challenge until you gain enlightened knowledge. What is the challenge that you are facing?What is the trouble that you are battling? How does that effect you? What is gained by engaging in this battle? When you overcome it, what knowledge do you gain? This gives us a vision, or the final position, the Sovereign center, that we can gain from challenge, fulfill the empty, develop good from the bad, in such a way that we are given direction and guidance through this process of life. 

So instead of avoiding the challenges, if we meet them head on with the awareness of the four directions, the meaning of a symbol stone, the emptiness of a bowl, or the creative potential of a turtle, we become powerful creative beings. We are empowered to navigate this world with respect, integrity, and character.

L’chiam.

On Being

Just be. This is harder than it really suggests. How can you be more fully in the moment? Sure. Meditate more, exercise more, change your outlook.  Eckhart Tolle preaches the “(p)ower of (n)ow” to be fully engrossed in the possibility of the present. Eschew the past and the future and glory in the present. Eckhart calls on images on Sufi and Christian mystics who preach the same. Like most things there are ideals that are great suggestions, but the practical reality is more difficult to practice.

In modern life, culture and society expresses and changes so fast that we hardly have time to breathe. While full, present-centered mindfulness can be seen as apathetic, so can being fully engrossed in modern life. In a recent social media post, a grade school boy reflects that he wishes he was a smart phone so that his parents would give him as much attention as they do their phones. Sure, we understand the consequences and we see it in our relationships, our health, and our schedules. Living in the now seems like a pipe dream to those struggling to pay the bills, stay on top of professional demands, and throw the last shreds of energy to our loved ones. Where do we find the time? Even intentions to meditate, exercise, call home, spend time with my spouse, my family, my friends, etc., etc., etc. ad nauseam becomes a disappointed effort more often than not. Admittedly, I get moments to myself to be more present and aware, but who isn’t more and more challenged by the demands of everyday modern life?

Yet there are hooks on which I can catch myself to be more aware and draw myself into the present. I have come to savor my afternoon dog walks. I tend to wait until just before dusk to enjoy the last flecks of the day dancing on the clouds and morphing in broad colorful brush strokes of bright oranges, the slightest pinks, and deepening purples. The dog’s panting anticipation for just one more throw helps to call from the portrait of the present to the depths of my mental prisons to enjoy a peaceful and fun moment.

I recently took a family out on the lake as part of a discovery tour and I usually start by asking where the clients are from. Typically, if they are from the city, I add as a last reflection before they head back to the beach a bit of a meditative prompt. Notice now that you are in the middle of a very peaceful and pleasant place. Drink that peace in and remember this later back in the city, in traffic, as the phone is ringing, and our life demands call and call again. I must admit is a very pleasant reflection when you are on the water after a fun and adventurous paddle, but very difficult to do in the midst of the everyday roar for attention. Yet it is significant to realize that being at peace is key to being in the present when the crazy is full on, full force. If you don’t know peace, you cannot hope to find it in challenging moments. The dad sat back and a broad smile grew across his face. The mom giggled. The son closed his eyes. The daughter just looked around. As the peace of the moment poured into them each in their own way, they were more able to take it with them.

The next level of this challenge is how do you recall this feeling or awareness of peace in the middle of the din? I have a favorite campfire story that I heard from a dear friend in college who reportedly heard it from a native friend of hers. In the story there is a friend who visits the city with another friend. The distracted friend notices all the noise and people and traffic, while the focused friend walks peacefully and calmly as if nothing bothers him. He even claims to hear a cricket. They make a bet and the focused friend starts off on a journey to find the cricket. One block, two blocks, and on the corner of the third block, he stops. There is a newsstand with an attendant and racks of the latest papers and magazines arranged to sell. The attendant is shouting the latest news to passersby and prompting them to stop. The focused friend approaches the newspaper stand and greets the attendant. The attendant responds hoping that he will make a sale. The focused friend asks to check for something behind his newspaper stand. Puzzled, he approves and moves his attention to the distracted friend. The story of the bet ensues. Meanwhile the focused friend emerges from the back of the newsstand with a cricket on his finger. He smiles as he notices the jaws drop on the newspaper attendant and the distracted friend. How did you do that? He excuses himself and frees his little friend. He returns to the front of the newsstand and as the newspaper attendant goes back to selling papers shaking his head. The focused friend reaches deep in his pocket, looks around, and pulls out a handful of change. He raises his hand high and throws the change down on the pavement. All around those who were rushing to get somewhere, hailing taxis, or dodging passersby stopped and looked down at the change. For a moment everything seemed to pause as coins rolled, and bounced, and spun in place. And then just like that it all started up again. The focused friend shared that if you are looking for the change, you will hear the change, but if you are listening for the cricket, you will hear the cricket.

The wisdom of this story resonates in your mindset, your purpose, your focus. While it is portrayed as simplistically and idealistically black or white, that our minds can be divided either in a pure, focused, peaceful state or a distracted, misguided, and delusionary state, reality is quite different. Narrative when oversimplified can belittle reality, but when deep and poignant can enhance and enrich our reality. The challenge for any audience of narrative is to mine its relative meaning as it applies to our perception. My struggle in science class as a kid was vast discussions of abstract theories; how does this apply to my life, to my reality, to this situation or to that? If it wasn’t clear, it became a disconnect. It was too distracting because I couldn’t use it to focus on that which interested me. The challenge then isn’t whether or not you are properly focused, but how you are properly disciplined. That in and of itself changes with every day and every situation. One day the story of the distracted character resonates; on another the focused one makes more sense.

The late Irish poet John O’Donohue has a fascinating reflection on beauty and soulfulness that could completely change our life experience. If you view everything to have spirit and vibrance and energy, you would greet the day with such a greater sense of perception. Colors pop, subtle environmental factors dance and sing, and small events can seem like major meaningful symphonies of interconnected resonance. O’Donohue waxes with a rare depth about our becoming in our perception of our physical experiences. This I think gets at the heart of the challenge. We are practicing this thing called perception, becoming, if you will, perceptive. David Abram discusses in his book The Spell of the Sensuous the art and philosophy of phenomenology. We are experiential beings that are exploring this thing called life. Yet as we are exploring and practicing, there are so many distractions. Abrams, O’Donohue, Tolle, and countless mystics and gurus bemoan the destruction of distraction. We must, as we are exploring this distraction laden reality, be aware of our development as practitioners of peace. We have our moments of clarity and flow and our moments of overwhelmed stress that verges on insanity. Having a center, creating atmosphere, recognizing symbols, or honoring traditions that hold peace for us can certainly help.

Yet at the same time in the midst of all these distractions is the experience. Then is there no eternal peaceful place if everything is energetic or fluid, relative or social? The resonance of life is its vibrant bouncing off of experience like refracting waves on a shore. O’Donohue even eludes to the great conversation between the deep ocean and the edge of the shore. Not just from a natural standpoint, but a figurative one, what a beautiful perceptive. Perhaps everything is a conversation of experience and our peace is in the listening, our art and our work is in the expressive song and dance that inspires us. Even in our darkest moments as O’Donohue quotes Pascal we must “carry something beautiful in your heart.”

Just being is then not just a powerful moment that is fleeting and passing that we must grasp with a relentless focus, but a continuous practice of experiential perception that is dynamic and eternal. We must trust the process and realize that in order to just be we must engage fully with our becoming. Therein the beauty of being never ceases. Despite how crazy and distracting our lives can be, how complicated our past was, and glorious our hopes for the future might be. Here's to your journey. Here's is to your becoming. 

The attitude you bring to an experience absolutely affects it.

Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.  Thomas Jefferson.  Imagine this, if you will. Day before Christmas and a guy gets on the bus. He starts complaining about how he had to wait almost 10 minutes for a bus (during the busiest time of day and after a snow storm dropped a few inches on the roads...read potentially hazardous driving.) I welcome him and others onto the bus. I give the general info that everyone needs to hear and he continues to complain as if he was severely inconvenienced and suffered because of the delay despite the conditions. I explain the larger situation and thank him for his feedback, but also thank him for his understanding and patience given the conditions and time of day. He harrumphed it off and continues to complain to his partner. After he and his party got off the bus, a woman approached me and touched my arm sweetly. All she said was “Merry Christmas and have a good day.” There is something about the attitude you bring to a situation, especially a challenging one that directly frames the experience not only for you, but others who are affected by the same situation. Why is this? An environment is affected in some way by every entity or action with in it. Think a summer rain on a parched, deserted field. A forest fire. A flood. Everything is affected by the event in one way or another. 

However, as humans we have a way to choosing our attitude as a reaction to a situation that will further enhance it for better or worse. The fishthrowers of the Seattle water front famously described this management technique in the late 90s. We have an ability to manage our reaction in a way that can, and many times will, affect how we approach subsequent situations. Do we have an obligation to deny or ignore negative or dark attitudes? Perhaps we can learn from them, but do we then have an obligation to control our attitude for the sake of another's experience? Publicly or socially we do have an obligation to check our attitude. Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy breaks this down as the classic example of a moral responsibility. Yet why does the squeaky wheel get the grease? Why do people who complain get the most attention? Because we allow it. It becomes a communication of negative behavior feedback. Complain you get a response that serves your purpose. There needs to be an element of perspective in checking the negative attitude so that it does not infect the social experience. Many people will have the inner strength and perspective to put a Negative Nancy in their proper place, but there also has to be a social line were the complaining needs to be stopped. 

How does this happen? Humor, acknowledgment, and perspective. Laughter is the best medicine isn’t just some cliché phrase, it really works. It minimizes stress, boosts the immune system, and can relax the heart. (PBS) Acknowledging that there is a problem not only helps to solve it but reduces the difficult feelings associated with not being heard. This is true in many situations, addiction, domestic abuse, and anxiety. Perspective. There is an old team building activity where you put a water bottle with lots of stickers in the middle of a group. Have participants describe the water bottle. Everyone’s perspective is going to be different because the surface stickers change as you go around the circle. Yet no one really knows the full understanding of the water bottle until everyone has shared their perspective. Furthermore no one will truly understand the contents of the water bottle until someone opens it and inspects the inside. We must be open to different perspectives in order to fully understand the reality of a situation. The more we listen and explore; the more we understand.

Once we gain perspective, acknowledge the details of a situation, and honestly take stock in our emotional reactions, then we can move forward with adjustment of attitude. It is not easy. There is a practice called karma chores where you begin doing chores around the house. Choose something that is unpleasant and watch what emotional reactions you have to the act of that chore. Whatever emotion comes up is a flag for you to begin dealing with that emotion. Why does it come up? what conditions does it remind you of? What purpose does the emotion serve? Cleaning the toilet for example is not one of my favorite things to do, but once it is done I get a better sense that the bathroom is clean. So I tolerate the process…music helps. In any case choose your attitude, own your emotional reactions, and embrace the process not only to improve your experience, but to enhance other’s.  

Romaine Rolland put it poetically this way: We are created to carry and to defend its light, to rally around it all men who are lost. Our role, our duty is to maintain a fixed point, to show the pole star amidst the storm of passions in the darkness. Among these passions of pride and mutual destructions, we do not single out any one, we reject them all. We commit ourselves never to serve anything but the free Truth that has no frontiers and no limits and is without prejudice against races or castes. Of course, we do not dissociate ourselves from Humanity. We toil for it — but for all humanity. We do not recognize peoples — we acknowledge the People — unique and universal — the People who suffer, who struggle, who fall and rise again, and who always advance along the rugged road that is drenched with their sweat and their blood. We recognize the People among all men who are all equally our brothers. 

Albert Camus calls on us to fight the heaviness of thought in order to develop character. "If we are to save the mind we must ignore its gloomy virtues and celebrate its strength and wonder. Our world is poisoned by its misery, and seems to wallow in it. It has utterly surrendered to that evil which Nietzsche called the spirit of heaviness. Let us not add to this. It is futile to weep over the mind, it is enough to labor for it. But where are the conquering virtues of the mind? The same Nietzsche listed as mortal enemies to heaviness of the spirit. For him, they are strength of character, taste, the “world,” classical happiness, severe pride, the cold frugality of the wise. More than ever, these virtues are necessary today, and each of us can choose the one that suits him best. Before the vastness of the undertaking, let no one forget strength of character. I don’t mean the theatrical kind on political platforms, complete with frowns and threatening gestures. But the kind that through the virtue of its purity and its sap, stands up to all the winds that blow in from the sea. Such is the strength of character that in the winter of the world will prepare the fruit. "

Perspective is everything when you are experiencing the challenges of life.  Joni Eareckson Tada

Seeking a world counter to the “Dog Eat Dog” mentality.

When was the last time you saw a dog eat another dog? The last time I saw two dogs interact, they were sniffing butt and play chasing each other back and forth until they were exhausted. They would rest and then do it again. The dog world is more like sniff each other out and play till you are exhausted. Granted my dog has had issues with other dogs in the neighborhood, but there was no dog eating going on. I believe we have been duped into believing that cutthroat competition is the philosophy that will lead to our fulfillment in life.
I recently assigned a writing prompt fishing for a personal reflection on my students’ sense of cultural identity. Many identified that seeking and obtaining money was a priority. Some were willing to forget personal hopes and desires in order to live with lots of money. Sure money might buy all kinds of stuff, but does it buy us fulfillment or even a sense of self identity? According to Minecraft creator, MarkusPersson, not at all. While discussing the American dream with a few students, one was adamant that taking care of number one (selfishness) was the order of the day and American culture forces you to be that way because everyone believes in it. Yet it is a hollow promise. Society (or at least a few key people with lots of money and power) tells you one thing in order to serve itself. She went on to say that there was no hope left in the world because the opposite of hope is fear and everyone is afraid of losing money, happiness, friends, etc. It was truly sad to think that this was true; I couldn’t help but argue that it wasn’t true, it doesn’t need to be true, and for our own sanity shouldn’t be how we organize our lives. 
American life has potential to present the ultimate proof of Buddhist thought. Desires bring suffering. Ignorance is not bliss, but a form of suffering. If you reduce desire than there is less suffering. We desire the “good life” but yet depression, bullying, gun violence, widespread judgment, and poverty are realities that we can’t seem to shake. While this may not be true for a billionaire, who has everything, who can throw elaborate parties, who may be the poster child of the good life, finding fulfillment is going to be difficult, building relationships with people is going to be difficult, because there are not very many people who can relate to the billionaire. There are many people who identify with struggle, hard work, and occasionally success. 
While we all have the goal of pursuing happiness, it has become a shallow materialistic enterprise. Those that have the most toys wins? Really? The materialistic attainment of stuff in pursuit of happiness is a farce. What is happiness? According to the school of positive psychology, one formula is gratitude over gratification.  Even if you delay gratification you see positive results (cool study testing kids with marshmallows). If you practice gratitude on a situation to situation basis, it doesn’t matter if you are a paraplegic or the poorest person in your neighborhood; if you are grateful for what you have and what you experience, you will be happier. Modern psychology also identifies that a sense of community or belonging is a human need. Human connection is actually a new response to everything from depression to addiction. 
Is fear the opposite of hope? Fear is a function of worry that perceives threats or danger; in the face of the American materialistic lifestyle, fear might be an emotional response to the idea that you might not achieve something or you might lose something that might lessen your condition, your lifestyle, or your situation.  Are we really in danger if we don’t have what we want? If we suspend attachment to things, outcomes, conditions, or even whole lifestyles, then, when things shift and change, we are more able to adjust and change with them. If we resist, in most cases we will just be spending lots of energy. 
Yet back to the marshmallow study that proves delayed gratification, the environment or culture can negate any benefits due to trust issues.  Aikido practice seeks to harmonize with the natural social world. Western practice seeks to order the natural social world. While neither is easy or even, in some situations, possible, each has a very different intention and potential outcome: harmony versus competition with the external. A competitive environment begets mistrust and survivalist attitudes. Therefore the ultimate practice in seeking happiness would be to harmoniously pursue gratitude, community, and reduction of fear. 
Parallel to the Buddhist idea that ignorance brings suffering, the opposite can also be true. Self-knowledge and the seeking of wisdom and understanding can reduce the insecurity of unhappiness and fear. Coupled with gratitude and a sense of belonging, one who seeks to best know oneself and share their experience with others would be the most happy and fulfilled. I know this to be true since when I saw my first marriage disappear; holding on to judgment and expectations lead to suffering, but when I sought self-awareness and self-knowledge with compassion and understanding, I couldn’t help but move on to a better life. 
One step further I am reminded of a great conversation with my sister years ago; one that concluded that self-centeredness is not the same as self-awareness and each has very different impacts on the individual, their community, and their culture. One such topic in a recent blog addresses this issue, but commentary points to the fascination with social media as evidence that we are more self-absorbed and only more self-aware when we unplug. 
So back to the dog eat dog analogy. We are more fulfilled when we genuinely connect with ourselves, with others, and in a legitimate way with our communities with gratefulness and compassion, not when we compete till the death, even if our culture tells us this is how it is.